Damn. So this is real. (Wednesday January 19--Day 71)

If you ask the same question enough, you´re bound to get answers. More precisely. If you ask the same question enough to a variety of people, you´re bound to get a lot of different and often contradicting answers. Most precisely. If you ask the same question enough to a variety of people in a variety of seemlingly unrelated circumstances, you´re bound to get a lot of different and often contradictory answers that you never expected and that you may not want to hear. Welcome to the world of multiplicity and relativity. It´s a struggle. And I´m stuck.
I am currently living and working in Huerta de Vida, a small garden in Tunuyan (I´ll tell you more about the actual agricultural project in a later blog). I expected to come here to work hard, to expand my gardening skills, and to eat a lot of delicious vegetarian food. And these expectatios have indeed been met. But it is very obvious to me that I have gotten far more than what I bargained for. My full presense here, in this place, with these people, has provided me with an answer to that repeated question I´ve been asking. What is real? Unfortunately, the answer is something I did not want to hear, even though it was something I already knew. It is an answer so large and obvious, but you too will continue to ignore it, to deny it, and to hide from it. It is an answer that makes living right now so much harder, even though its acceptance would free us into a happier, more fulfilled life. It´s an answer that gives an image of a global reality, but requires us to build upon an internal strength. It´s this answer I am learning, and it´s an answer that...well...fucking sucks.
So what is our reality now, then? Well, globally speaking the world is dying. Our resources are being used up faster than we can create new systems to handle our ever increasing population. Solar panals and hybrid cards won´t save us when everyone in India drives a car, when our industrialized food systems can no longer operate and feed our overpopulated world, and when inequality and insecurity continue to grow. As a country, we are a mess. Our history, darkened by secret plots and dirty wars, continues to repeat itself. Our tax dollars don´t go to social secutrity and medicare, but to the training, arming, and enforcing of mass tortures and murders of innocent citizens so to give power to leaders who benefit our global economic interests. That economic interest does not trickle down to the people. Our economy is a fake system, based on a linear logic that doesn´t apply to the real world and communicatd through light money and invisible numbers that have no basis in reality. But we are told our current financial state will improve and that we will overcome this like the great depression (nevermind the fact that we survived the great depression because a war began, and our current war is draining us) so we do and change nothing. Our congress is controlled by companies and our president, lovely and genuine as he may be, is vulnerable and powerless. People are dying and killing for reasons and causes they don´t understand, and we may be one assasination or crisis away from full Marshall Law.  And when we no longer have the oil or infrastructure to ship that bite of food that traveled more than 1500 miles to your mouth, the grocery store shelves will go empty and we will starve.As individuals, the situation is almost worse. We have all we want, we exercise more and eat ´healthy,´ we strive to live like the people we see on TV and in the magazines, and we are entertained literally around the clock. BUT WE´RE NOT HAPPIER. Depression is up. Anorexia is up. Identity crises are up. Overstimulation is up. We cannot relate with others, and we barely recognize ourselves. No wonder we have no concept of reality. We have an endless amount of information at our fingertips, but we choose whatever we want to hear so our knowledge doesn´t expand. We are well educated, but we only know how to think within a certain confine and how to find a job to become a productive member of society. We are overstimulated and passive. Our daily lifestyle is killing us mentally and physically, but we continue to believe that we can live our own life only concerned with our own success.
This is not a conspiracy theory. This is not the twisted rebel logic of a few anarchists. People--experts from all disciplines and people from all communities--are talking about this. And if this bleak reality is the really real reality that I´ve been looking for, then what do we do? What do I do? I could choose to write it off as just another person´s concept of reality, an individual creation that bears no weight on my life and my decisions. But I know in my gut that this answer means more. Last year, I went looking for an answer to explain why I was tired, why I had to touch things when I walked in order to keep me grounded, why I had to constantly chew on something to stay focused. I went to a nutritionist because subconsciously, I knew the reason why I was sick. But even though I knew the answer before she even spoke the words, I still reacted so violently. I was furious with everyone: her, myself, family, friends. I denied it and fought it, but did begin to change. A year later, after slowly coming to terms with it and slowly fighting it, I am better. Not entirely, and maybe I never will be. But I am a real person now who loves life, loves giving her body what it needs, and loves feeling real again. A year ago, I didn´t want that reality to be real, but it was. And admitting it was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I ever did.
That was practice for this. This is a reality harder to admit and harder to fight. But I will accept this answer and I will include it within my scope of what is real. And in the end, I will overcome this reality and work within in, and I will feel stabalized and fulfilled. Of course I don´t yet know how to respond. I don´t know what to do or where to go. I am figuring it out, and I will continue to do so. But I know that I will not be cynical and I will not be pessimistic. That leads to passivism, and what we need now is full presense, full optimism, and full passion. I will not be a martyr for others, but I will dedicate myself to developing local community. Through humility, personal responsability, integrity, and a whole lot of love, we can build sustainable relationships that can outlast any crisis. Through hard work, through helping each other, and through building local and deep economies, we can build a sustainable environment that can outlast any crisis. At least I hope so.